Breaking my phone was annoying, but the next day it was liberating (right after I managed to turn off the fucking alarm, which still works apparently). I didn't have this contrived need to obsessively read what are people are broadcasting or telling me directly... it disappeared when I left that social superpower at home on my PC. Why do I need to know this stuff when I have that power?
I think part of that stems from a self-centered thinking habit that I have and hate. It's the ugly questions like 'am i good enough?', or "is anything i do worthwhile?", it's more of a feeling than a phrased thought but, maybe if i read what other people are saying then i might feel validated? maybe i'm getting noticed? I was feeling oppressed by this recurring search for validation. Now that I can't continue my search, I ought to be pissed off by the impedance, but I'm not. It's suddenly become pointless to worry about my rating
It's obvious to write: I don't need to go fishing for random opinions to be valid, I don't need to align to anyone's practices or ideals, that's a shit notion and no one should feel that way. I know this, but I still fall into that online trap. The important question, the one that's easier to ask when you're offline in the dark, is "how can I help others?". I don't know what you had for breakfast, or how you're feeling today, I haven't read it online. Even if you didn't report any of that online, you, in the flesh, you're the only way I can know. (If I don't follow you online? Well, sorry, but for the duration of our encounter I would be at least thinking about checking my phone.) So let me pay you full heed and ask you: how are you today?
In writing this blog I wondered whether I'm still seeking validation, or am I trying to help others? It's a bit of both, I like helping (maybe you're having a similar experience?) and I like being appreciated. Helping other people will make you, your work, feel worthwhile. I know I've heard that somewhere before, but putting others before myself isn't something I do regularly enough.
Another component of this feel-good phenomenon was this magnification of nearby activity. I'm no longer aware of all things happening miles away from me, so I can lend more attention to my surroundings. I walked to campus and there was plenty to enjoy about that walk. If you get bored without your phone then look for something you're not appreciating and appreciate it. Maybe I'm just lucky that the sun was shining (from miles away).
Why am I buying a new bloody phone? There's no doubt that they're a powerful convenience. As well as the insanely frayed connection to you all, it's my calendar, my alarm in the morning, it's got my music on there, I set reminders, take pictures... The problem was me, not the tool. With great power, comes great responsibility. I'll let you know if I manage wield the power with grace.
A good friend of mine tells me he has rules like no email notifications and no using it when in other people's company. Sounds like a good start!
For this post I drew ideas and inspiration from When You’re Feeling Self-Doubt & a Lack of Motivation, which you should read whenever you're stuck in bed feeling sorry for yourself.
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